As children, we all hold idealistic images of the future and what life will be like when we ‘grow-up’. This particular post is dedicated to the naivety of ginger ten year old me.
1. Never dye your hair. You’re ginger. Accept it. Listen to the old people who tell you that you have a “lovely ginger head of hair” You’ll finally have came to terms with that when confronted with an eccentric Bulgarian who tells you it’s the nicest shade she has ever seen and you suddenly think, Hey… wait a minute! It’s not so bad afterall.
2. You will break your pledge. Regardless of your steely determination to keep the big man happy by staying clear of any form of alcohol consumption for as long as you live and swearing that on your wedding day, no alcohol will be served, you will drink alcohol. Oh, poor, naive, child that you are
3. NEVER cut your own fringe. You will resemble a little African wig wam, like the one below; crying yourself to sleep for months, you every day ask your sister whether it has grown and she will merely snigger in response. Subsequently, you will then again cry. This goes on for around six months. Oh, I should probably mention, refrain from putting bluetac in your hair! Sure it’s funny now… not so funny when you need to get your fringe cut off. Always with the goddamn fringe, isn’t it?!
4. Think carefully about your Confirmation name. Choosing a name because it is the name of the sister of the boy you swear you ‘love’ is a little creepy. No-one likes a creep, Chloe…
5. You will never be the vet you so dream of. Quite frankly, you never get over your intense fear of frogs and following two separate incidents of manslaughter the suffocation of two baby birds, who flew in to the house after you proudly telling everyone, “It’s okay. I got this….” who would let you?
6. You will never be the next Christina Aguilera either. You can’t sing. As devastated as you would be to hear this, you will later look back at this ambition and cringe. You will, however, still feel the urge to write. Even now, you’re not sure what about.
7. Never trust birds. Your feud with birds begins when you and your sister feed the hens a plate of spuds when suddenly something squishy lands on your head. You, incredibly offended, will turn to her and scream, “WHY ARE YOU THROWING SPUDS AT ME?! I’M TELLING!” You run hysterically in to the house, where you are inspected and told “No, a bird pooed on your head, Chloe” You then cry twice as hard. Obviously the parents of your murder victims dropping by just to say hey, you sicko. You will then be shat on three more times in the future.
…Guess this kid killed a few birds in his time too…
8. Adults are scared of ghosts/the dark too. Even at nineteen, you still scan the room for ghosts/shadows and then hide under the blankets, just so you can go about your sleep undisturbed if they do wish to float about. You will also never get over your fear of looking out of the window at night incase you see a face (as I type this, the window is behind me and I can see the reflection in the laptop… currently terrified) You will also still feel the need to sleep with the light on after watching scary films.
9. You will be short. You are, at present, around five foot two and by far, the tallest in your class. Everyone remarks on your height, but unfortunately they do catch up and you’re devastated. You never make the six foot you dream of and later stop growing at five foot four.
10. It’s safe to hug your Teddy during the night and regardless of what you believe, you will not get pregnant and die. During Biology class you will learn that there is a little bit more to the process of reproduction than a hug at bed time.
11. Don’t tease the children with glasses. That will be you some day… stand up for your specky comrades!
12. Your sister is not evil. By now, you’ve tried drowning her in the bath, you’ve bit her, pushed her face first out of the car and even told her nobody loves her, just so she would cry because she looks so cute when she cries. But, she’s not that bad… she will someday be your best friend. Be nice to your little sister!
13. You don’t just wake up a woman or ‘grown up’ over night. Right now, you say, “When I grow up…” At nineteen, you will still say, “When I grow up” and want to do all the things you do now, like standing on the Trolley in shops. You also still panic when shopping, lose the person you’re with and think oh my god, don’t cry. Keep calm and look busy.